An attractive young woman was taking a shower one day and the doorbell started ringing. She jumped out to get it, but couldn't find a towel to wrap herself in. As she headed for the bedroom to grab something, she yelled "Who's there?" The voice called out, "It's the blind man." The woman guessed he wanted to sell some pencils or something and stopped, realizing she didn't have to get any of her clothes wet, he couldn't see her anyway. When she opened the door a wide-eyed man in gray coveralls asked her "Uh, where do you want me to hang your blinds?"

A very rich, self-made business man was being interviewed by a magazine that wished to honor him. He told the reporter that when he'd first came to the city he'd tried to get a job as a bookkeeper in a brothel, but had been kicked out when the Madam realized he couldn't read or write. On the streets he began selling fruit, then later opened a grocery, then a whole string of grocery stores all across the country.

At the end of the interview the reporter was shocked to learn the man still couldn't read or write and said "Wow, just imagine what you'd have become if you'd learned to read and write." The business man replied "Well, I expect I'd have been a bookkeeper in a whorehouse."

A woman washed cabbage in the washing machine and damaged it badly. Since they were so difficult to come buy she sent it back to the company hoping it could be repaired. A few weeks later she recieved a death-certificate in the mail, and a bill for the funeral.

After a man and woman were pronounced married, the groom turned to the audience and explained that under each guest's chair was an envelope with a picture of the bride having sex with the best man. He'd found out about it earlier but decided to go through with the wedding so her parents could pay for the ceremony and all their friends and family could know the truth. He got an annulment the following Monday.

A man returned from shopping to find his car had been badly dented, and the culprit was no where in sight. As he got closer he felt relieved when he saw a note had been placed under his windshield-wiper. Laughing at himself for doubting the honesty of the average person, he pulled the note loose and read it, it said: "THE PEOPLE WATCHING ME THINK I'M LEAVING MY NAME AND ADDRESS, BUT I'M NOT."

A woman was very nervous about her first date with a man she'd been attracted to for a long time. When he came to her door, she started to feel gassy and realized the chili she'd had for lunch had been a bad idea. Being a gentlemen, he carefully put her in the car and shut the door for her, as he walked around to his side, she farted loudly and quickly opened the window and began fanning. She was horrified when he got in and pointed to the back seat saying "Have you met Ruth and Bob?"

After an airliner encounters a particularly rough patch of turbulence, the captain comes on the intercom to reassure the passengers that everything is okay and that the flight should be smooth the rest of the way.

He forgets to turn off the intercom, however, and everyone in the passenger cabin hears his subsequent comment to the co-pilot: "Boy, I sure could use a blow job and a cup of coffee right about now!" As a flight attendant frantically rushes up the aisle towards the cockpit to warn the captain that his microphone is open, a waggish passenger calls out after her, "Don't forget the coffee!" -Chevross

As an attractive young hairdresser was about to lock up for the evening a sweaty little man knocked and asked her if he could please get a quick trim. She reluctantly obliged and quickly began to trim his hair. As she was finishing up she noticed that under the covering she'd put on him to catch the hair, his hands were moving up and down in his lap. Outraged, she grabbed a large curling iron from the shelf and knocked him unconscious.

She called the police and when they arrived they asked what the man had done that had caused her to attack him, she told them, "Just look under the sheet!" The officer pulled the sheet away and said: "Lady, there's no law against a man polishing his eyeglasses!"

A woman returns home to discover some hairy legs sticking out from under the car. Thinking her husband has decided to fix the car, she reaches up his leg and gives his privates a bit of a fondle. On entering the kitchen she discovers her husband there as well. Turning very red she rushes back out to the car to find the mechanic unconscious under the car after hitting his head when surprised by her actions.

A witness at a trial was too embarrassed to repeat the obscenity the defendant had suggested to her, so the judge suggested she write it down, and let the jury read it. The woman did as she was asked, and the note was handed to the jury. The judge told them to each read it carefully and pass it along. The last man in the jury box had fallen asleep, and the young lady next to him woke him and handed it to him. He stared at it in surprise for a couple minutes, then began to fold it up.

The judge asked him to please hand the note to the bailiff, the juror then put his arm around the lady and replied, "Your honor, this note is a private matter between the lady and myself."

An old lady was waiting for a car to pull out of a parking space at a crowded grocery store one day. When the car pulled out another car pulled in front of her, and into the space. The teenager hopped out of the car and said to the old woman, "I'm younger and faster, lady."

The old lady sits there for a second, then rams the kid's car. As she backs up and gets ready to drive away she tells the teenager: "I'm older and better insured, kid."

A drunk driver was pulled over by a police officer late one night. As he was trying to walk a straight line, there was a crash from a nearby alley and the policeman told the drunk to wait while he checked it out. After waiting about ten minutes the drunk decided it was silly to wait, and drove home. The next morning the police officer knocked on his door.

The driver stuck to the story that he'd been at home all evening and the policeman demanded he open the garage door. The man obliged wondering what the policeman hoped to find. He realized his mistake when he saw the police car in his garage.

A woman was very excited to receive a package from family members from the old country, there was no letter, and it didn't matter because she only spoke English anyway. The package contained a jar of fragrant spice, which the family immediately tried and enjoyed.

Several weeks passed and they had just finished the last of the spice when a cousin called to ask if they'd taken care of grandma's ashes like she'd wished.

As a young woman was being written a citation for speeding she asked the police officer if she couldn't just buy a couple of tickets to the policeman's ball instead. The policeman replied, "I'm sorry Miss, state policemen don't have balls." The troopers face turned red, he tore up the ticket and drove away.

While babysitting for a new family, a teenage girl went upstairs to use their toilet not knowing that they had recently varnished the toilet seat. When she tried to get up, she couldn't. She tried and tried, and began to panic. Finally, she unattached the seat and pulled her pants over it as best she could. When the family got home, she told them about the incident and they took her to the emergency room. She was extremely embarrassed about the whole thing, especially since she'd just met this family. What made the night even worse was that the doctor that was treating her was very good looking. Fortunately, he had a sense of humor.

"Please tell me you've seen this type of thing before." The red-faced girl asked.
The doctor replied, "I've seen a lot of these, but never framed."

Young honeymooners at a popular vacation spot returned to their room one evening to find that it had been robbed. Everything in the room was stolen except for their toothbrushes and camera. Knowing that the honeymoon was more important than anything that had been taken, they used credit cards to replace the stolen items, and went on about enjoying themselves.

A couple weeks after their return they got their photos back and sat down to look through them together. They were enjoying their photos until they got to the one that was taken in the hotel room of a large hairy man with their toothbrushes stuck in his rear-end.

A guy calls his live-in girlfriend and tells her he's met someone else and wants her to move out. He'll be gone all weekend and says for her to be gone by the time he gets back. He expects to find his place trashed when he arrives, but finds everything is just fine except the telephone is off the hook. He hangs it up and thinks nothing of it until he gets the phone bill. Before she left, the girlfriend called the number of "time and temp." in Tokyo and left the phone off the hook for two days.